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last week one patient crashed.

He was my patient and I remember speaking to the cons the morning of his death re his antiobiotics. But my cons reassured me and said, to continue with current treatment and monitor bloods. On that fateful day, I happened to be on the same bay as the patient reviewing another patient. Suddenly I heard a shout, from the auxillary nurse, 'doc doc, quick see this patient!' I turned my head to look across the bed and lo and behold, the patient laid motionless, as white as sheet and lifeless on the bed.

I used to wonder, if i were the first on the scene of a crash call, would I be confident enough to perform CPR. I didn't have time to think about that when I saw him. I rushed over, shook him violently and start yelling, 'mr x mr x can u hear me?'. No response. I checked his pulse. No pulse. And I started compressing his chest.

The nurse with me was shaking like a leaf. I said, 'quick, get the oxygen mask 15l and get the other two docs to come. Has the crash call been sent out yet.' I was amazed that I could even said something like that. soon my colleagues came and took over from me.

The patient passed away 30 min later after 3 shots of adrenaline and 30min of CPR.

i cant help but think if I have missed anything out with my management that could possibly have prevented his death. Should we have done more for his sepsis? he was in fact the youngest patient on my ward so it was very unexpected that he passed away.

***

Today, another thing happened which I can't blog about but it has made me realised how much responsibility we (junior docs) have on patients' lives. I cant help thinking about it on my way back home...sigh. A lesson learnt but a costly one too...

I am not really good at penning my thoughts and feelings. These two incidents have made me feel rather disappointed at myself. Yes, i know i can improve on what I could have/should have done in the future but still it might cost a patient's life in every mistake that we make. The scary part is that this is just the beginning of my career and there are still more to come and more responsibilities to bear in the future.

the ward is always a better place to work when your seniors are nice and friendly.

me love my consultant on my ward. it makes me aspire to be like her when i become one in the future.

i have always been a fond reader of Roald Dahl to the point i bought the whole set of his books. I remembered the first book i read was Mathilda and it was so entertaining, funny, and unique. I loved the illustrations that went with it because i thought the odd-looking stick drawings of the people somehow fit in with the quirkiness of the story.

anyway, I have been reading thsi book called 'kiss kiss' on my way to work. never have i felt more entertained in the bus than before hahah. the short stories which i have read so far were quite morbid but i love the unexpected ending in each of them. just like when watching an intense, suspenseful movie, you could feel your heart thumping against your chest. This book gives you the same feeling of wanting to know what will happen next just that you have to read it slowly so that you don't miss the sequence.

don't know why i wrote this post because I don't see the purpose of it but this is just one of my daily ramblings of what my rather unexciting life. I remember when i was still a student, I used to read revision books in the bus but phew, I don't do that now. thank you Roald Dahl for making my trip to work less boring :)

PS: oh...I'm might be going for a holiday to Madrid in feb! I think it was an impulsive move to book my tickets even before my leave was approved but because the airtickets offer was ending soon and I had to do something quick. cant wait!

hello 2012

it's 2012. cant believe how time flies. i remember when i first started med school in 2006, 2011 sounded so far away but now 2011 has ended and it's 2012. i'm getting old *shudders*

right...reflections for 2011! i cant really remember bad things that happened last year, either there wasn't any bad memories or my memory selectively remembers the good things. heheh.

1. friendships

I think we kinda grew closer this year because Y was staying together with MH and Thz in the same apartment. So we always visited them and ended up playing games at their house on most weekends.

2. went to graduation ball and had the best time of my life.

3. went to barcelona and germany with the siblings.

breathtaking view at Montserrat

kognisee, germany - would love to go back there again

4. cell group

was a cell group leader and got to know many of my cell members! Stressful at times but God led me through and I miss those times of leading.

5. i graduated!! and started work

graduating marked the close of one chapter and the opening of another in my life. The transition from a student to a young professional and the change from the familiar to an unknown environment.

i have stopped writing new year resolutions because I don't think I fulfilled any of them. haha. Not going to post them on this blog either or else paiseh if I don't meet them.

This year new year was different because I didn't choose to spend it in Leeds but in Hull. It was celebrated with sis (not with steph tho coz she was working) and a few friends. it was a small cosy group which I particularly liked because it wasn't very cramp and there were lots of food. No pictures yet but will post (if i have time) when i get the pics.

happy new year! :)

PS: oklah i changed my mind, maybe i should write my new year resolutions. the list is not exhaustive though:

1. get driving licence

2. do an audit (or at least one)

3. maintain weight

4. pass foundation year 1

5. get a boyfriend lol

6. get involved in a mission trip

7. achieve something which is non-clinical (haih need to start preparing for CMT)